Op-Ed: How to Help Others During a Pandemic When They’re Too Embarrassed to Ask

APS Member/Author: George Loewenstein

As the coronavirus tightens its grip on this country, your retired neighbor, an exhausted healthcare worker, or a friend recently laid off from work probably needs help now more than ever. Yet people who need help, often desperately, don’t ask. Why?

Although we’re all familiar with the saying, “It can’t hurt to ask,” our research, and that of many others, shows that it does hurt people to ask. Asking for help can be scary and uncomfortable, and people will often avoid doing it, even if they really need assistance.

There are lots of reasons for this. People might not ask because they’re embarrassed about their needs, or because they don’t want to impose on others. People are also afraid of getting turned down — no one wants to learn that the person who could help doesn’t care enough to do so.

Take the perspective of someone who needs help. Suppose you’re a server at a restaurant who lost your job because of the pandemic. You might really appreciate your more financially secure cousin giving you a loan to help tide you over.

Should you ask? Well, your cousin might know that you need help, and if she does, the fact that she hasn’t offered could mean that she doesn’t want to help. If you ask and she turns you down, you’re going to feel really bad. So, you think, “I should just avoid this whole ordeal and not reach out.”

This thought process is understandable. Yet, such fears are often unfounded. People are, in fact, more likely to help than potential favor-askers believe. Indeed, people are typically more willing to offer help to others than to seek the very same help for themselves. When you don’t ask out of fear of being turned down, know that the other person would probably think the same thing if roles were reversed.

This kind of reticence has a negative effect on both giver and receiver. Even in normal times, helping others empowers us and makes us feel good. Some psychologists even argue that it’s an important path to happiness. In times like this, it’s even more important: Helping gives us a sense of purpose and control over anxiety, fear, and uncertainty.

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Read the whole story (subscription may be required): Los Angeles Times